


Under da Stars

by SophieD



Series: Anything for you [3]
Category: Leverage
Genre: Camping, F/F, Fear of love, Femslash, Idlywild, Lesbian Sex, Love, Sleeping Together, relationship, sleeping oustide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-08
Updated: 2015-10-08
Packaged: 2018-04-25 09:37:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4955362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SophieD/pseuds/SophieD
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tara conned Sophie into going camping.  Now she wants to sleep outside and talk about their relationship, the last things Sophie wants to do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Under da Stars

**Author's Note:**

> Questions, comments and constructive criticism are always welcome. Please.

I love being held by this woman. She pulls me tight to her amazing body and I can feel her energy move through me. She kisses me and I melt into her. I cherish our time together. I think about her all the time. I just don’t know why I’ve never been able to love her like she loves me. It’s not just about the sex, which is amazing by the way. She’s my best friend. I can’t imagine my life without her. I just can’t imagine it with her either. It would be so easy to ask her to stay. There are times when the words are on my tongue. I just can’t bring myself to say them. I don’t understand how I can be so comfortable in her arms and yet still so uncomfortable with her as a girlfriend. I used to think it was the idea of a relationship in general that terrified me but, now that Nate is in my life again, I find myself thinking about what it would be like to be in a committed relationship. I don’t understand why I can’t think about it with Tara. 

She kisses me and I can hear myself moan quietly. It’s in moments like this that everything is perfect. Moments when I start to think that maybe we could be together. Moments I never want to end because I know the doubts will come back and I will let her go again. I know that one day, when I let her go, she might not come back to me. It makes me feel sick to think about it but I can’t find it in me to change it. Right now, I have her and she has me and that’s all I really want to think about. My hands are up her shirt. Her arm is around my waist, pulling me tight. Her other hand is in my hair, holding me while she kisses me. I feel a tingly warmth moving through me. I want to take her clothes off. I want to put my hands all over her. I want to make her feel as loved as she makes me feel. 

We are standing inside the motor home that Tara rented. She wanted to take me camping. I hate camping but I would do just about anything to be here in this moment. I take a step back and pull her with me. “Tara? Is the bed up there?” I ask gesturing towards the steps leading to the space above the cab. “Mmmm hmmmm.” She answers me. I take another step and pull her again. “Soph…” I kiss her before she can finish her thought. “I want you Tara.” I take another step but she holds her ground. “I… um… I’ve got some stuff stored up there.” I laugh. “Should I ask?” She laughs too. “No but I can go clear it out if you want.” I nod. “I want.” She kisses me again. “I want too.”  
She leaves me standing in the middle of the ‘room’ while she crawls up the stairs. I hear her call back down. “Hey Soph, come get.” I go to the stairs and see her trying to fold up a double air mattress and shove it down the stairs. “Grab the end and pull!” she tells me. I pull and it finally breaks free. I stumble backwards. “Tara? Don’t we need the mattress?” She sticks her head around the corner. “Nah. Just put it outside.” I watch as she pulls her head back and I can hear her crawling around again. “Can’t I just come up there?” She laughs then calls down. “Not yet.” What in the world does she have up there I wonder?

She calls my name again and I turn just in time to protect myself from a rolled up sleeping bag that she just launched from the top of the stairs. It is quickly followed by a second sleeping bag and two pillows. I remember what she told me earlier, how she’d rather be sleeping under the stars, and I start to get a bad feeling. She comes down off the stairs herself and grabs me again. “You ready?” She asks. “Ready?” She collects the pillows and sleeping bags and starts to go outside. I realize that the motor home was just to appease me. Sleeping outside was her plan all along. I sigh. I consider throwing a fit, a little temper tantrum would let her know that she can’t keep doing these things to me. But then I think about how good it felt to be held tight in her arms and I sigh again. ‘Anything for you Tara.’ “Anything for you” I say quietly.

In the time it takes me to decide what I’m going to do, Tara has laid out the air mattress and pillows and is busy trying to zip the two sleeping bags together. She is sitting on the edge of the makeshift bed. When I step near her, she stands and pulls me to her and down onto it.  
She is on me immediately. Her hands go up the front of my shirt, trying to get it off over my head. I don’t help her. I don’t want to let go of her luscious lips. She gives up and starts her hand down my pants. I moan again quietly when she touches me. I roll her over and do the same. As I begin to touch her, she whispers, “God Sophie. I miss you so much.” I laugh quietly. “I do too. I think about you all the time you know.” She pushes herself up and looks at me. “You do?” “Of course I do. I…I miss you. I miss this. I miss us together.” 

I can see in her eyes the question she wants to ask. I hear it in my own head. ‘Then why not? Why can’t we be together?’ I squeeze my eyes shut. “Tara. Don’t. Please? I can’t. I don’t know…” “Shhhh” she says as she brings her mouth back to mine. “It’s OK. You’re here now. We’re here. That’s all I need.” I know she’s lying. She needs, and deserves, so much more. More than I can give. I pretend her words comfort me.

This time when she tries, I let her take my clothes off. I close my eyes again as she drags her finger tips over my body. She pulls her clothes off as well and lowers herself back to me. “Are you cold?” she asks? “mmm. Just a bit. But I know how you can warm me up.” She laughs again quietly as she pulls the sleeping bags up over us like a cocoon.  
She’s touching me again and I’m having trouble thinking. All I know is how good I feel with her on top of me, how her mouth feels on my breast, her fingers inside of me. I’ve got one hand tangled in her silky hair. With the other I reach for her. I can hear her moan now as I slide my fingers deep inside her. We’re moving together now, both of us sharing one body, one feeling. The feeling grows until, by silent agreement, we come together.

I’m lying now, my head on Tara’s shoulder, staring up at the night sky where the stars shine through the trees. “It’s beautiful Tara.” She pulls her arm a bit tighter where it’s wrapped around me. “I have always loved to sleep outside like this.” She tells me. “We used to lie awake half the night and try to make pictures from the stars, new constellations that only we knew about.” “It sounds magical” I tell her. “There weren’t many stars in the sky in London.” “That makes me sad Sophie.” “Why?” She waves her arm at the sky. “This right here, it’s the most beautiful, most peaceful thing I’ve ever seen. I could stare at this forever. It makes me feel like I’m a part of something so much bigger than myself.” 

I think about that for a while. Being a part of something. The thought is appealing yet foreign to me. I’ve spent so much time alone and when I’m not, I’m always somebody else. I’ve never been just me. I don’t even know how. The closest I’ve ever come is with Tara. Still, I’ve never told her my name, never shared the intimate details of my life. I’ve never properly explained to her who I am or why I’m so afraid--. I’m not even sure I know myself. Then Leverage came along and now I am a part of something and I love it. But still something’s missing. Sometimes I think that something is with Nate. But then Tara touches me and I think that maybe this is where I belong. There’s just still that one part of me that can’t be the person I need to be, the person that Tara needs me to be. Maybe one day. I hope she can wait that long. 

I roll to my side and prop my head up on my elbow. “Can I ask you something?” She rolls and does the same so we are nose to nose. “Of course.” I gather my thoughts. “Why do you do this?” She furrows her brow. “What do you mean?” I want to ask why she wastes her time with me, why she hasn’t given up and found someone else. I can’t. “Why do you take me places like this? You know I’m going to hate it. You know I’m going to complain.” “Why do I put up with it?” “Yeah. I guess that’s what I mean.” She thinks for a few seconds. “I do it because I love…” It’s my turn to furrow my brow. She gets the message. It may be her truth but I don’t want to hear it and she knows that. She settles on words that are a bit less emotionally charged. “I love seeing things through your eyes.” “My eyes?” “Yeah. The things that I love. I want you to love them too. It’s like everything is new to you.” I give her a puzzled look. “It’s not though.” ‘No. Not really I suppose. But these things you think you’re going to hate, when I can show you why I love them so much, well, it’s kind of like falling in love again. With them. With you.” 

I don’t know what to tell her. I still don’t understand what she’s saying. “So you torture me with Tacos and Beer and camp loos just to watch what I will do?” She laughs loudly. “Something like that yeah. But it’s more than that Soph. I want to be with you. I want to spend time with you. I want to hold you and touch you. I take you places because I want to spend time. It’s just sometimes I want to do things that we’ve never done before. Things that I love. And if you learn to love them, well, that makes me happy.” She pauses and I can tell she’s debating what she’s going to say. “Sophie I…” I try to interrupt but she’s not going to stop until she says what she wants to say. “No Soph. I want, I need to say this. I am in love with you Sophie.” “Tara no…” “I love you more than I have ever loved any one in my life. I don’t even care if you love me back. I know you don’t.” I try again but she is not going to be deterred. This conversation is 15 years in the making and she’s not going to quit until she gets it out. 

“I know you don’t love me back Sophie. I don’t know why. But I’m ok with it. I just want to be with you. Whenever, wherever. It doesn’t matter to me. All that matters is that I can touch you. That you are here with me now.” She puts her hand on my cheek and softly touches her lips to mine. I feel a tear start and she gently brushes it away. “Sophie. Don’t. It’s OK. I understand. I really do.” I shake my head again. “No Tara. I don’t understand myself.” “I do Soph. You’re scared. I try to make it easier for you. I just don’t know how. I know this isn’t want you want for yourself. I know I should let you go but I can’t. Not now. Not yet.” 

The tears are coming for real now. I rest my forehead against hers. “No Tara. I do love you. I don’t know why I can’t…” “Shhh.” She puts her fingers on my mouth. “It’s OK Sophie. It really is. I don’t understand but I can live with it.” “Tara. No. It’s not OK. It’s not fair.” “Nothing ever is Soph. I really am OK. As long as you are here next to me, I am OK.” 

I am done. I’m exhausted now from all of the emotions I can’t deal with. I don’t want to think any more. I just want to be with Tara for as long as she’ll put up with me. I push her down and roll on top of her. “I’m OK too Tara.” She smiles and lets her hands move down my body. And I am OK.


End file.
